Manage This.

Moi? A manager? No, I couldn't. No, seriously, I couldn't. No, I'm not joking. As flattering as it is to be thought of for the position, I'm going to have to pass.

"But why?"

Well, for starters I wouldn't make enough money for the extra hours I'd be working.

"But it's only 4 extra hours a week."

Yeah, on paper, but when all is said and done you know that's not true. Besides, I don't feel cut out for that position anyways. You may think I am, but you're basing that on personality and not my ability to manage and truthfully, I'm not even remotely close to well versed enough in the ways of this store to take that on. It's not that I'm not capable of taking on the responsibility, don't think it's that. I'm more than sure I could evolve into a very responsible department manager. It's more so that I don't want to climb this corporate ladder any higher and find myself trapped in a position I can't seem to escape from.

I may be a people person (to some degree), but I am not a coaxing people out of their money in order to help the rich get richer person. I have morals, and these keep me from trying to sell people pointless garbage. If they want to come in and buy something, I'm more than happy to direct them, but I am not going to manipulate them into purchasing something they've changed their mind about. In fact, I might even go out of my way to sway them from getting certain things because I know for a fact that they won't last.

Additionally, all I hear from my own department managers is how much they dislike their position, and frankly, I'm quite content in mine, so if it ain't broke, why in Fry's name would I go fixing it? I am here to pay the bills while my wife-i and I make our way through school and possibly even after for a little bit of extra on the side and I don't need to move up any more in order to accomplish this.

I thank you for the offer and am very flattered I was the number one choice, but it's a no, k?

K.

Toasted Wahlbergs With A Holy Grail Sauce.

First things first...wait. I don't even comprehend the point in this phrase now that I actually type it out? Obviously first things are going to come first. You can't exactly say your second piece of information first or else it becomes your first piece of information. That phrase is complete nonsense! I suggest here and now that it be completely stricken from the record, and by record I mean dictionary, and by dictionary I mean English language, and by English language I mean my toaster. Unless of course we put it in there for the sake of triple toasting it so as to burn it so intensely that no amount of knife scraping will take the burnt off and thus, it shall meet its demise.

Speaking of toast, who out there is a Mark Wahlberg fan? I, for one, am. The wife-i and I were discussing the Wahlberg's the other day over a cup of NKOTB and we discovered that the Wahlberg's talent lay more in their confidence than their abilities. I mean, Donnie isn't the greatest singer, but he has an attitude that makes him stand out as a performer. His acting isn't top notch either, but he's got a special something between the lines that gives him character. Mark, additionally wasn't the greatest rapper, but again, the attitude allowed him to shine through. His acting, while better than Donnie's, still isn't the greatest, but he's got this on-screen charm that keeps people coming back for more.

We will call these people Wahl-flowers... or no, how about Wahl-ruses? Wahl-diers? Like soldiers? We march on and fight in support of Marky Mark? Okay, I can't think of a name for his fans, but we exist, and some of us exist past his infamous washboard ads from the early-mid 90's. My point is that it is because we exist that a little skit on Saturday Night Live this past weekend also exists, and this skit is called "Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals," and I post it for your viewing pleasure:



Now, I'm not sure what any of you actually thought of it, but for me, it's one of the funniest things I've seen on SNL in a long time, and to allude back to my post regarding my sense of humour: this is it. This is the epitome of my sense of humour.

Complete nonsense.

Now, some may hear this and suggest that if I like the nonsensical than I must like movies, like, oh, say, The Holy Grail, but after finally (FINALLY) seing it this weekend, I can honestly say that it is completely overrated. While I will admit there are some funny parts and that it's not that I didn't enjoy it, but I found myself shrugging my shoulders like nobody's business when all was said and done. While part of it was the 15 year build up, I think the other part is that humour has evolved so much since this movie was created. Like horror, it takes originality and innovation to be pulled off, and it feels like so many movies must have borrowed and stemmed from this that theres this Beatles effect to it. As in, the Beatles, while amazing, are nothing to sneeze at for generations of today because "it all sounds the same" due to so many bands having simply evolved from what the Beatles pioneered in a pop-cultural sense.

While my sense of humour is so unbelievably close to that emitted by the Monty Python's, the Naked Guns, et al. what seperates the two, for me, is the delivery. They may both be complete and utter nonsense, but when I watched The Holy Grail, I could sense this, how do I put it... awareness, maybe? Yes. An awareness of the comedy that was being laid down. As in, you could see in the characters faces and body language that they were being silly. Whereas people like Andy Samberg (who plays Wahlberg in the aforeposted skit) and fellow cast-mates Kristin Wiig and Fred Armisen have this ability to completely abandon that awareness and take on the persona of the characters they're playing. Theres a seriousness to their silly.

That is what does it for me. The ability to not just act or write funny, but to be funny. To embody funny.

It's a priceless attribute when it comes to comedy.

Trust me, I'm a cartoon.

Cartoons know these things.

So world, I would like you to please produce more seriously funny souls, because Fry knows were in need of a good laugh.

Kario Mart!

The lovely wife-i pur-chased Mario Kart Wii for me for my day of birth! That day is not until the 11th of this lovely month of Rocktober, but she gave it to me early as we are going out of town the day before it hits and wanted to get some extremely necessary play time in before we went and let me tell you! It's pretty darn fun, people. I mean, it's the same good ol Mario Kart, but with the addition of physically turning a wheel and being able to play against people all over this 3rd rock of ours, it's fantastic! Not to mention that in addition to all the new tracks, they recycled some of the old tracks (talk about going green) from past Mario Kart's and straight up injected them into this one.

Those of you who have a Wii and don't have Mario Kart, I suggest that you make a point to get off your behinds and put down your rupees for a copy, yeah? Those of you who don't have a Wii and have some other platform, I pity you. Those of you who have no consoles whatsoever, shame on you for not being gamers/lacking the materialistic foundation! How do you expect to get by in this world without owning the new and the best of everything? Apparently you and your VHS cassettes and slap bracelets don't.

Have fun rewinding, suckers.

Never.

In yesterday's post about people not being funny, I made mention of a guy I worked with who is slightly handicapped. For the sake of this post, we'll call him Larry. Normally, every day I get into work Larry finds me, calls me a crazy Canadian, complete with stuttering of the c's, and he comments on whether or not my hair is getting too long, or noticing that I'd recently cut it. Yesterday he decided to start up a nice little discussion about whether or not my wife dominated me.

He's a funny guy.

Well, today I get into work, and the moment he saw me, I swear he ran a little in a turning the other way motion. I turned to one of my department managers and said "Well that's different," and he said to me "Yeah, he's been oddly quiet this morning" (he's normally a very vocal individual).

So, I found Larry and I asked him what the deal was. He said he was being picked on. I asked by who, and he said he was being picked on at our place of work and at his other and so he was feeling kinda down. At our place of work, one of his former fellow morning stockers turned part timer was giving him a hard time about the pace at which he worked and taking his cart of stock he was to work on. At his other place of work, his manager told him to stop being so loud, spouting "people will think you're crazy." Now, these may not seem like a big deal, but for him, I guess the volume of his voice is a touchy subject, and the pace at which he works equally so.

I told him that what the guy at our work doesn't understand is that people work at their own pace and that he's just bitter because he's over 40 and working part time at a department store so he feels the need to pick on whoever he can. Additionally, there's this aura surrounding the morning stockers. No matter how hard they work, they're looked down upon in some fashion.

Now, I'll admit that some of the people they hire arent exactly cut out for the job, but at the same time, I admire that even though they aren't, they're still being given a chance (by the way, the woman who gives these people a chance was fired yesterday, but I'll save that one for later).

Anyways, Larry let me know about how brutal people were to him in high school and that he thinks that it's the reason he developed his stutter and so on and so forth and I just felt bad that this 30-something guy (which you would never guess as he looks about 23) is still treated like he's in high-school. I mean, I realized a while ago that high-school never ends, but for this guy it's more evident than most.

Unfortunately, hes never realized how to deal with these things and takes them all to heart, wishing he were stronger, taller, and bigger in general so people wouldn't mess with him. I told him that's not the answer and he simply has to rise above it, as hard as it may be.

I know, easier said than done.

But what else can I say?

Humo(u)r.

People all around me (try to) crack jokes on a daily basis, but I'll be lucky if I can count on one hand the amount of times I genuinely laugh at them. I don't mean jokes in the traditional setup/punchline fashion (although one guy who no longer works with me attempted these) as much as I mean kidding around/poking fun at. While there are occasions I simply don't follow, be it over my head or a possible language barrier, most of the time I get what they're saying/doing and they're simply just not funny.

At all.

One example that comes to mind is the Cowboys fan I spoke of in a previous post (you know, the one I am the least biggest fan of). Well, one day last week I was replacing some icicle lights that had gone out and was up on the rolling ladder doing so. All of a sudden, mid reach, I feel the ladder shake and immediately I knew exactly what and who it was because the stupid son of a bitch had done it once previously. This guy finds it funny to come up and shake the ladder while I'm 8 feet above him, unaware of a possible fear of heights that I may (slightly do) have, and he walks off chuckling to himself.

I swear to Fry if there were no repercussions for grabbing someones face and smashing it into a blow mold Santa Claus until their face was as red as the suit the jolly one wears, it would happen one of these days, and for christ's sake I'm not even a violent person. This guy just rubs me the wrong way in such a fierce manner, I can't help but fall into quasi rage blackouts when he's around.

This, of course, explains my complete lack of sense of humour in this case, but even when other people have done the same thing (yeah, I know, I work with some winners) I may have cracked an artificalaugh in their general direction because I can tolerate them, but you can bet your bananas I was frowning something fierce on the inside.

Another example is one that has caused me to lose some respect for a couple people I actually liked. I work with this very slightly handicapped individual who happens to have a bit of a speech impediment in the form of a minor studder. Well, a couple people have taken it upon themselves to imitate his voice and while doing so, speak in a sexual manner. I know that they do it all in good fun, but the mere fact that they do it in a hushed manner just goes to show that they know they're doing something they shouldn't. Just another unfortunate case of making sure people know you're capable of being "one of the guys."

And I think that's mainly it: I'm surrounded by guys.

The unfortunate part is that some of these guys are intelligent individuals and yet they feel it necessary to stoop to that level. You know, the one that all guys could have in common if they wanted to because it's not hard tof joke about "how your mom was in bed last night." I'd say I'm sorry, but I am far from sorry that I don't want to be just another guy and that I'd rather people connect with me on a more intellectual level, if at all.

Hell, I'm not even that intelligent a person. There are may topics that would easily go directly over my head (and if you read last night's post, you'll understand my reason why). It's just that by simply avoiding being a part of that sixth grade idea of humour demographic, one is automatically an intellectual in my books.

Don't get me wrong though. I am far from uptight and I definitely laugh at nonsensical toilet humour. There's just a time and place and fashion for that kind of humour and work just isn't one of them, and I'm pretty sure that when it comes to my mother, people get that feeling from me.

Maybe I'm a bit too serious and maybe I am a little uptight, but maybe, just maybe, you're just not funny.

Magic.

Let me begin by saying that there can never be enough movies that revolve around the restoration of one's ability to believe, whether it be in Santa Claus, or magic (which ultimately go hand in hand), or simply believing in one's self, it's a storyline I can watch over and over. The most recent in this library that the wife-i and I just wrapped up is Mr. Magorium's Wonder Imporium.

I had wanted to see this movie for some time, but as I'd never heard anything of it since it was released, I figured it might have just been another movie to shrug my shoulders at and move along.

Guess what?

I was wrong.

This movie was exactly what I needed, and do you know why? Well, I'll tell you why. Before I watched this movie, I was a man of science. I was a man that required proof and explanation for why things are the way they are and had a hard time taking things for their face value, only this approach posed a problem for me. While facts were interesting for the duration of a lesson, I could never remember what I'd scientifically learnt.

It just never stuck with me.

Now, apres le film, while I retain this interest in the scientific explanation for things, I have also adopted the magic perspective, and do you know why? Because in every instance that I don't comprehend the mechanics behind something, I can simply believe it's magic, and that is more than good enough for me.

An example I can take from the movie is how magnets work. I have probably been taught this at least 20 times in my life, be it in school, on tv, or someone telling me one on one, and I still cannot even begin to tell you how they work. Like previously mentioned, I just don't retain this knowledge, and up until two hours ago, I never understood why. What was so hard for me to hold onto?

Now I understand.

I was never meant to retain this information.

I wasn't born to amass the physics of leverage or the chemistry of baking soda; the biology of the human body or pi to the hundredth decimal. These things are better reserved for other people; they exist for the people passionate about things in life that require this information. For doctors, mathemeticians, architects and the like, this information is crucial, but for someone like me, it is less than poignant.

Don't get me wrong. I understand the importance of all of these things in every day life, but I also realize that there are people who will worry and take care of all of these things and that this is what they were born to do. If they weren't, they wouldn't be doing it.

It may sound like I'm completely abandoning a massive opportunity to buckle down and open my eyes to a world that I don't comprehend by simply passing it off as magic, but that isn't true at all. If anything, my eyes are more open than they've ever been.

To put it simply, I understand theres an explanation for everything somewhere out there, but who says I'm not allowed to believe that there's an alternative? That on an equal plain, there's a complete lack of necessity when it comes to an explanation for most things in order for me to live and do so happily? I beleive that these discoveries and explanations aren't for everyone. Not everyone needs to find this infromation out to feel complete.

Why can't I beleive that things are the way they are simply because of magic and live my life by this? I mean, if anyone feels that this approach is offensive to their line of work, then they need to stop being so uptight about it and deal with the fact that we're all born to figure out what we believe in and accept what people choose, even if it seems like it's going against thousands of years of discovery and proof.

My aim isn't to go against anything the human species has discovered at all. Discovery is fascinating and extraordinary and it shapes the direction this world travels, and I'm positive that on a day to day basis these discoveries will affect almost every aspect of my life. I simply prefer to retain that element of wonderment when it comes to life. I want to avoid the facts and imagine my own explanations for why things are the way they are.

For me, even with all the evil that exists, the world, whether one likes to beleive it or not, is a magical place, and it's about time I embrace this.

This entry is a little disjointed as it's such a fresh self-discovery, but if there's one thing you can take out of this, it's that I believe in magic.

More to come.

Bearth.

So, I'm still awake at 12:08, which is pretty unheard of these days. I used to be nocturnal, but ever since I crawled out of my cave, got a taste for vitamin D, and got married, I've appreciated the day time so much more.

The reason I'm still up is because I was watching a show on the creation of Earth from the beginning, up until now and you know what? This sadness swept over me because I couldn't be there for the birth of this planet and to watch it grow up the last 4.5 billion years.

So, I've decided I'm going to make it my goal to make sure that I figure out how to travel back in time to experience all of this. I shouldn't have missed it. I feel like a failure, not being able to make it to my own planet's birth and help raise it.

Who am I? WHO?!

And for the off-topic record, I despise it when people spell the word through as "thru." I can deal with the "drive-thru" being this way, although considering it's 2008, it should be called the fly-thru by now, but if you're going to use it anywhere else, I'm going to make sure you die a slow and painful death, k? This is after I make you watch as I deep-fry your first born and serve him to a feild of grazing cows. I imagine they're sick of that fucking cud they chew on all day and would like a little protein in their diet.

No? Too far?

Easy now, it's just a cartoon.